Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Don't squash me bro'

During one summer of my childhood I used to pour drops of 3 in One oil into ant holes in my front yard. Why did I perpetrate such a heinous crime against nature you may ask? Well I had ordered one of those Ant Farms during the winter and when it arrived the ants were either frozen to death or about to expire. I was extremely disappointed that they were only able to tunnel about an inch into the sand before they expired. So my unsatisfied curiosity about ants is what lead me to committing this atrocity. I just wanted to see what they would do! And to my great delight I could sometimes get the big fat queen to evacuate her throne. How else was I going to get up close and personal with a queen ant? So that is my confession and my justification. That's just exactly how I'm gonna explain it to God on judgment day just before he squashes me with his big loving godly thumb. Actually god is getting me back for my sin by populating my kitchen with an endless trail of ants all summer long.

So I brought up this story from my past just to show how much better I have gotten in regards to my treatment of bugs. Even though I had decided that killing is wrong when I was very young I found it very hard to apply that ethic when it came to bugs, most especially spiders. I mean Everybody Knows that you are supposed to kill spiders before they kill you. It's self defense! Who doesn't remember their Dad taking off his shoe to kill a spider on the living room wall. And now what do you do if your wife hysterically demands that you kill that big ugly itsy bitsy spider that is hanging out on the ceiling over the bed. Well if you want to be considered a real man you gotta protect your little women and squash the little bugger or you will never hear the end of it. Last year I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. No matter how much I loved my wife I was no longer going to kill on command. Live and let live was going to be my motto from now on. If she wanted the spider dead she would have to do the deed herself. Well after a few dead spiders started weighing heavy on her conscience she adopted a policy of relocation to the great outdoors instead of squashing. So things are a lot safer around here for our arachnoid buddies these days.

I have one final spider anecdote to relate to you while I try to figure out what the point was supposed to be for this essay. A week or so ago I was cleaning a bathtub and tile enclosure and there was a spider on the wall. I told him that he had better stay away from the tub and tile or he might be carried away in the flood and I didn't want to be responsible for his untimely demise. Of course he didn't listen to me and ended up crouching in the corner where the tile walls and the tub come together. Now at this point I would have been within my rights to send him off into oblivion with a sweep of my sponge. He had disobeyed a direct order and clearly put himself in harms way. But then I though I heard a wee small voice in my head saying "Don't squash me bro' ". So I stopped what I was doing and got a piece of paper and managed to tickle his toes with it enough to get him to climb on. I was then able to carry him safely outside into the garden. As I set the paper down on some small shrubbery the little guy appeared stunned by the beauty laid out before him. Here was a guy that was probably born and raised indoors, perhaps in a dark ugly place, suddenly confronted with a whole new green world and a chance for a whole new life never before dreamed of. He hesitated for a moment, then turned to me with a nod of thanks and took off on all six legs into his new life of adventure. I'd done good. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. God was smiling down upon me.

Imagine my surprise when a little while later I hear on the radio that I can now be considered a terrorist threat. No, not because of anything having to do with spiders, but simply because I believed in the united States constitution and I was opposed to Federal intrusion into peoples lives. Yes the government had released a memo that indicated that anyone who didn't like the federal government and thought the constitution should be the law of the land should be regarded as a potential terrorist threat! EXCUSE ME!!! I just saved a fuckin SPIDERS life! Just who am I supposed to be a threat to? Granted I have killed plenty of bugs prior to changing my ways but even in my most foul and nasty mood I've never included a politician in my list of victims.

Well since I can now be considered a terrorist there is no reason for me not to post this latest video from this well known Islamist. Don't squash me Big Bro'. Peace be with you, Allah Akbar and all that shit...


  1. I remember that ant farm!!
    I wonder if that Islamic audience listened to his music, pre conversion, when he was Cat Stevens..............

  2. Learned something here... I like the old Cat Stevens & Love the first video... Didn't our time have Great Hair... And Awesome music... Also that these blogs STEAL YOUR TIME yet challange your mind....Kind of like the child song... The worms crawl in, The worms crawl out! Also I think I want to pack it all in and Move to a farm like your sista!